I’ve been clean and sober for 13 years. I haven’t had an alcoholic beverage or unprescribed drug since October 23, 2007. Other than writing something here every year, I don’t mark this anniversary in any way. It’s not a celebration for me, and not something that should be congratulated inside or outside the 12 step recovery rooms. It’s just an arbitrary accumulation of days, 4750 with leap years I think. But I do take it as a moment to share my experience in case it might be helpful to a still suffering alcoholic/addict, or someone close to them.
One of the things one hears in recovery is that it’s a one day at a time program. When I began getting sober - either 6 or 7 months before I finally quit, or 24 years before that, depending on how you count - if someone said that I wouldn’t be able to drink or drug for the next 4750 days (13 years/52 months, 676 weeks) it would have seemed unfathomable, and probably not worth trying. After all, that’s basically how I felt for most of the time that I was out there. There is a meditation that is frequently used in some recovery rooms, that articulates this wonderfully: “JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.” This is wisdom that I was taught, that I try to apply to everything in my life. Being human, I frequently forget it and find myself getting too invested in outcomes, and trying to play god. I don’t believe in god, but sometimes I believe I am god.
No one could have convinced me back in 2007 that I would find myself not fighting alcohol and drugs. But today I’m not fighting them, nor have I even “sworn off of them”. “The problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” (big book of AA).
I don’t want to drink. I’m not jealous of other people who drink. I don’t fantasize about drugs, and how they might solve my problems today. I’m not nostalgic for the “good times” that I had drinking or getting high in my past. And, yet, today I have all sorts of problems that are only manageable one day at a time. Psychiatric, neurological, and physical problems. Work problems. And many of the other problems that people have. I don’t ever, except for fleeting moments, imagine that I can take away, manage or even just say “fuck it” to any of those problems by drinking or drugging. The tricky phrase in there is “except for fleeting moments”. It only takes a “fleeting moment” to guzzle a drink, pop a few pills, or take a toke. I’ve heard of that happening, and I’ve seen people quickly go from clean and sober, to relapsing, and to dying shortly after (overdose, suicide, cirrhosis, hepatitis, etc.)
The challenge is to stay in “fit spiritual condition”. That means a lot of different things to people. For me it means avoiding behaviours that I will regret. It means avoiding self-centredness and resentment. It means living in acceptance, not denial. I don’t always succeed, of course, but it’s the path I’m on thanks to the example set by other recovering alcoholics and addicts, and thanks to how they have helped me directly and indirectly.
William Cope Moyers put it this way in his book Broken: “But what really matters is what's under the hood, and without continued attention to routine maintenance and repairs, it isn't long before the same old engine spoils the new ride.”
Most people don’t recover from drug and alcohol addiction. For many (most) of us who do, it turns out that a very simple program is what saves the day, and allows us to transform our lives. It mainly involves meeting and hanging out with other alcoholics and addicts on a regular basis. There are some suggested steps as well that involve acceptance, honesty, personal inventory, making amends, living a spiritual life (whatever that means) and service to others. That has all played an important role in my life, but I continue to think that connecting with others is what saved me and what continues to save me. It’s simple, but most people in active addiction won’t do it. No matter how shitty my life had become when I was drinking, I just didn’t want to quit. Drinking was the only way I could manage the consequences of my drinking, making matters worse and necessitating more drinking, and down the spiral I went. If I could imagine a way out it was switching to a life of opioids and benzodiazepines.
For some reason I hit bottom, as they say, but it wasn’t some a-ha moment after some unthinkable act. I ended up in detoxes, daytoxes and a rehab (Homewood), I had problems at work and problems at home. I didn’t know what day it was and I didn’t know true from false. I was manic and I was depressed. I hated myself. In all of that, my family supported me (eventually with “loving detachment”), as did my closest friends. Gradually, I hit bottom. I guess that day was October 23, 2007, which for some reason that feels like a bit of a miracle, I just stopped relapsing. I was no longer in denial. Thanks to the people in my recovery circles, I’m alive today, clean and sober, and occasionally even serene.
Have a good day.
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