I normally write something on #bellletstalk day on January 29 on Facebook. But I couldn’t do it again, not there in any case, and not on Twitter, which is where Bell wants us to post. The truth is, I post about my addiction, my bi-polar disorder (manic-depression) and my recovery all the time. I do it because it helps me continue to be detached from both conditions, and a complicating neurological disorder that made my life hell for some time. And I do it so that I might be helpful to someone who is still struggling, or struggling again.
Today I kept in touch with my addiction by listening to Eminem’s superb Recovery album, and by writing a blue sky proposal for a project about intoxication and creativity (we’ll see). My recovery wasn’t like Eminem’s, on the one hand, but exactly like his in his fundamental ways: couldn’t quit when I wanted to quit; couldn’t predict what would happen the minute I first started drinking or using; total humiliation and adamant commitment to sobriety; relapse (another one of Eminem’s albums), of the most, boring, pathetic kind; seeing the light. For me, it was seeing just enough light to accept help, at first in a “day-tox” program and several detoxes (each time I relapsed, or got caught relapsing, by my day-tox counsellor (someone to whom I am eternally grateful), then a bit more light and I was ready, and happy, to go to 12 step recovery meetings, something that I continue to do today and that I credit with keeping me alive, sober, and even occasionally serene. I also went to Homewood in Guelph, to attend the dual disorder stream of the addiction program (ie, I got the most psychiatric attention I’ve ever had for my manic-depression). It was a great experience: I cried almost every day.
I’m extremely grateful that I was somehow given the willingness to stay alive and recover.